What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
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A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Hard not to take this personally
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?