can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
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Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”