Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
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I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*