ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
You Might Also Like
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Support your local cemetery
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!