I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
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Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?