I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
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My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
what the
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SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna