Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
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Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.