About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
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teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
This has made my week.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.