Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
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Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
*praying for world peace*
God:
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long