@Book_Krazy

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

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@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

@MrSpoonicorn

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

@fro_vo

Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it

@simoncholland

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

@imkully

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

@gidget_76

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

@LoveNLunchmeat

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

@stevevsninjas

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?