Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
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Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?