I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
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Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Hard not to take this personally
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs