“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
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To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
normalize having existential bread
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.