If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
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Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?