in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
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[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I love the National Park Service.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.