I love the National Park Service.
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our love story in four pictures
Them: You should try keto
Me:
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.