My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
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message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
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wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Jesus Christ lmao
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Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.