I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
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“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call