Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
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My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
There is no “we” in pizza
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.