Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
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This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Tough love is true love
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.