Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
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What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.