dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
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Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Mummies are just super modest zombies