There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
You Might Also Like
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies