We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
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‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.