Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.