The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
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Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.