The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
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HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Message from the dog groomers
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans