Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
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Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Ovenable?
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
#FunnyLife Insects
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.