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The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK