“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
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Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*performs CPR on the turkey*
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Aaaa…CHOO!
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.