My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
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Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
HR said no more nunchucks.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.