I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
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one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight