sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
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I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Chemical wingman
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.