Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
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Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Holy moly
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.