20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
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Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
5 ways to appear taller
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
You sure about that?