*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
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I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame