Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

my mind

You just read my mind

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊