I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
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My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I unironically love this joke.
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Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
WTF
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“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
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30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
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carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one