I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
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Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
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[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.