It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
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At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Uh oh 👀
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
“Wait, let me explain..”
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses