Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
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I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle