I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
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When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I think we should hear other voices.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.