Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
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Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Yup….perfect score!
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.