How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
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Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent