[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
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*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
There is wisdom there.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.