My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
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[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up