My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
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I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes