My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
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if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?