I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
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I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Think I pulled my liver
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
.. do you even science?
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Life cycle of cat
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
ready to be harvested
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.