life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
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Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
the clam before the storm
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.