On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
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homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!