[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
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Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?