My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
You Might Also Like
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.