Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
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Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.