Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
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GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire