If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
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Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.